The Marital Home

AND YOUR EMOTIONAL AND FINANCIAL BALANCE SHEET

The Statement of Net Worth, on which people disclose their assets to each other, is a very matter-of-fact document. Real estate is to be listed just like a stock or a bond or any other asset. And there is a certain truth to this—real estate, like any other asset, has a value, which needs to be distributed between two people who are going their separate ways. Typically, you either sell it to a third party and distribute the proceeds between you, or one of you buys out the other person's interest in it, or one of you keeps it in exchange for some other marital property. Kind of like any other business transaction. But of course, no one ever lives in a stock certificate.

Your home, unlike a mutual fund, is very likely deeply embedded with memories, aspirations, dreams. If you take a little time to think and feel about your home, it may evoke an overwhelming range of emotions: joyful and painful times; positive and negative memories of your spouse; life's milestones; and dreams—fulfilled and unfulfilled. In a way, reflecting on your home right now—acknowledging all of the good and the bad—can be a way to encapsulate your experience of your marriage—with all of its hopes and disappointments. Although this can be more painful in the short-term than simply telling yourself "it was all bad," or "I never liked that house anyway," or "I must just move forward," acknowledging the complexity of your feelings about your home and your marriage will help you make good decisions now, and also foster a healing process that will help you immeasurably in whatever the rest of your life journey holds in store. 

So, before simply listing the house or apartment as an asset on your Statement of Net Worth, take a few minutes to really think and feel about your relationship to it. What does this particular home mean to you? What would it be like to continue living there, without your current spouse, in two years, in five, in ten? What would it be like to live somewhere else? What is the nature of your attachment to the house (is it primarily to the house, to your marriage, to memories or to future hopes?) If you have children, what is in their best interests? Now, try as hard as you can to put yourself in your spouse's shoes (a real challenge!), and ask yourself the same questions from his or her point of view. Better yet, ask your spouse directly and try as hard as you can to listen (an even bigger challenge!). Can you and your spouse share your feelings about the house? Can you acknowledge to each other the pain and the loss—can you share some memories of the good times as well as your disappointments? As painful as it may be, can you allow yourself to feel the affection for him or her along with the anger and disappointment?