Parenting Plans

On the one hand, developing a parenting plan may seem pretty simple, and for some people, it seems to be: 50-50 parenting time. Alternating weekends and every Wednesday night. Thanksgiving and Jewish or Christian holidays every other year. Two week vacations in the summer. Etcetera.  But the deeper realities aren't reflected on a refrigerator calendar: The reality that you will not see your children every morning when they wake up, or tuck them in every night. Developing a parenting plan, no matter how you slice it, implies loss—sometimes unbearably painful loss. And this can be true even if you are the "primary residential parent." (Of course, you may also feel relief—and guilt—at the same time.) 

In addition to coming to terms with this loss, developing a truly workable parenting plan requires many things of you, such as: (1) the ability to separate any feelings (of anger, disappointment, etc.) that you may have towards your spouse, from your children's best interests and never to use the parenting plan as a way of expressing those feelings toward your spouse; (2) the ability to share, and allocate fairly between you, both the joys of parenting and the day-to-day responsibilities and burdens; (3) a balance of structure and flexibility—providing some predictability and a good "fall-back" position, while allowing for ongoing flexibility and the possibility for modifications in the future as your needs and your children's needs change; (4) respect for the other parent and always fostering the relationship between your children and that other parent, regardless of how you feel about him or her as a spouse; (5) a realistic assessment of your own parenting strengths and weaknesses, and the realities of your work schedule and other commitments, and that of the other parent; (6) always putting your children's best interests first—while establishing solid, reliable sources of support for yourself.

What would you want to say, in 5 or 10 or 15 years, looking back on how you and your ex-spouse handled these joys and responsibilities? What would you want your children to say about how their parents acted towards them and each other? What would you hope they would never say?