Reflect Speak Listen Repeat

The communication skills that make for a good mediation or collaborative law process are the same skills that promote a good life. They look so simple on paper and are so difficult—for all of us—in practice. Essentially, good communication involves a continual balancing of reflecting, speaking, and listening. This is true regardless of the topic and the participants.

Example: You want to live in the house for 5 years, and your spouse wants to sell the house now. You could state your positions through attorneys, and let them try to hash it out, or wait until one of you gives in. Or you could try something different.

Reflect on the situation

Why do you want to live in the house for several years? What different needs are met by this option? Could some of those needs be met by a different option? What are your spouse’s needs, and how could they be met? What could you offer your spouse so that he or she would accept your idea? What would you need from your spouse to accept his or her idea?

Communicate your proposal

Careful to use "I" statements that refer to your needs, wishes, values, options. Stay away from finger-pointing "you" statements—instead, communicate interest in your spouse's needs and willingness to listen. Acknowledge your spouse's needs and generate options as to how those needs might be satisfied. If you don't know what your spouse's needs are, don't assume, just ask him or her to tell you. "I would like to stay in the house because I believe that moving right now would be too much change for me." "I would consider moving sooner than 5 years, if we can discuss how I can stay in the same neighborhood." "I am interested in finding ways of addressing your concerns, too."

Listen to your spouse.

Restate what your spouse says and ask him or her if you got it. "I think you said you were afraid that you cannot afford to maintain me in the current house, do I have that right? Did you mean something else?"

Reflect some more.

Perhaps you learned something in a session that is causing you to think about things differently. You don't need to communicate more at this time, unless you know what you want to say. Instead, you always have the option to reflect more. "I need to think about this some more, can we address this next time?" You will know when you are ready to communicate again.